Have you ever walked away from a meeting unsure what was actually decided, or what someone really meant? Not because it didn’t matter, but somehow, you weren’t really listening. This happens more often than we’d like to admit. 

In her book You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, Kate Murphy explores that quiet but uncomfortable reality: listening is something we assume we do well but rarely examine closely.

From a project management perspective, this hits close to home. Miscommunication is one of the biggest drivers of project risk, and poor listening is often at the center of that.

While Murphy points to technology as a major factor in the demise of our societal listening skills, it feels more like a symptom than the root cause. Simply blaming technology keeps us from digging deeper into other causes for our lack of listening, and those often show up in how we run meetings, gather requirements, and manage stakeholders.

Murphy, a journalist who has written for many publications, including The New York Times and The Economist, draws on interviews with professionals whose jobs required keen listening skills: from a bartender to a qualitative researcher to a former CIA agent. That range makes one thing clear: listening isn’t just a soft skill, it’s a critical skill.

Anyone who seeks to understand others better, or understand why they are consistently misunderstood, can benefit from this book. 

One of the most compelling examples came from her conversations with a former CIA agent. In that world, listening isn’t just a social skill. It can be the difference between life and death. While most projects don’t face stakes that high, the principle lingers: the more it matters, the more carefully we need to listen. 

One of the more practical insights came from her interviews with Naomi Henderson, a qualitative researcher known for her work with focus groups. Instead of asking questions that steer people toward an answer, she invites them to tell a story: “Tell me about the last time you went to the store after 11 p.m.” It’s a small shift, but it changes everything. It makes space. It signals patience. It allows something real to emerge. It allows the project manager to uncover what stakeholders actually think, need, and experience.

Another concept that stood out was the difference between a shift response and a support response. 

A shift response turns the focus back to the listener and may go like this: 

John: “My dog got out last week, and it took three days to find him.”
Mary: “Our dog is always digging under the fence, so we can’t let him out unless he’s on a leash.”

A support response, on the other hand, keeps the focus on the speaker and may go like this:

John: “My dog got out last week, and it took three days to find him.”
Mary: “Oh no. Where did you finally find him?”

Many times I know I default to the shift response, thinking I’m being empathetic and keeping the focus on the speaker, when really, I may be relating, but I’m also redirecting, unintentionally pulling the focus away from the person who was trying to be heard. In a project setting, that subtle habit can make stakeholders feel unheard, and over time that erodes trust.

Murphy also explores the physiology of listening, noting that if we don’t hear well, we can’t listen well. While this section gets technical, it’s a useful reminder that environmental factors, like poor audio or something as simple as earwax buildup can impact communication more than we realize. 

The one area I struggled with was her perspective on gossip. I’ve always viewed gossip as harmful, while she presents it as a necessary part of communication. It’s possible we’re working from different definitions, but I wasn’t fully convinced—though I appreciated the challenge to think about it differently.

Some key takeaways for project managers:

• Ask better questions: avoid leading, invite stories
• Stay curious longer, especially when you disagree
• Watch for shift responses and keep the focus on the speaker
• Check assumptions early, before they shape decisions

I would highly recommend this book, especially for anyone who leads meetings, manages stakeholders, or gathers requirements. 

It didn’t just change how I think about listening. It made me realize how often I’m not actually doing it.