Direct communication is often perceived as harsh. People can be blunt and just say what they think without regard to others’ feelings or perspectives. Unfortunately, our culture typically stereotypes direct communication this way. It doesn’t need to be. Direct communication can even be more polite, kind, or empathetic than indirect communication when used with others in mind. 

People often communicate indirectly in order to appear kind, polite, or compassionate, but meaning can get lost in the process. Some people actually need direct communication to understand fully. Indirect communication does have a place, but it is not automatically more kind or polite than being clear and direct. 

At its core, direct and kind communication is simply clear, honest, and respectful. Being clear saves time and reduces confusion and misunderstandings. It can also reduce conflict and help situations de-escalate more quickly than indirect communication.

If someone is doing something that really causes you discomfort or pain, it is usually better to clearly name the behavior than to try to subtly drop hints and hope they understand, because they probably won’t. 

Key Principles for Direct and Kind Communication

Some key principles for being direct and kind are:

• Discuss the issue, not the person
• Use “I” statements
• Communicate your needs and perspective without accusing
• Show empathy
• Focus on solutions
• Listen actively to the other person’s perspective

Using definitive statements about someone like “you don’t care” or “you always do this wrong,” along with name-calling, belittling, or blame-shifting just tend to put the other person on the defensive and lead to circular conversations. 

Addressing the issue may look like, “I feel hurt when you talk about me that way,” or “What happened with the laundry today?” Ask yourself what is needing to be addressed and frame your statements and questions around that instead of what the other person is or isn’t doing. 

It is very easy, especially in conflict, to focus on what the other person is or is not doing that doesn’t meet our expectations. “You are always/You never” statements are often our go to. These statements rarely help.

Discuss how their actions affect you or identify where clarity is needed. “I feel anxious when I don’t receive a response after a couple of days.” “I feel unheard when you interrupt me.” “I am not clear on your expectations here.” “I understand this differently than you.”

One helpful part of being direct and kind is expressing empathy or understanding of the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t understand it fully. “I understand you probably don’t see this the same way I do, but this conversation is making me uncomfortable.”

Offering an alternative can be direct, but kind: “I’m unable to lead that particular event this year, but I’d be happy to help in this area of the program.”
“I’m not able to meet up today, but I do have time for a quick call.” 

Sometimes asking open-ended questions for clarity can help direct the conversation more directly, “Can you please show me again the steps to get this task accomplished?” “When you said that you are overwhelmed, do you mean overly stressed or something else?”

Examples

How could kind and direct communication change each of these situations?

Judith and Suzie had been texting back and forth all day about a disagreement they had and emotions were starting to run hotter. Finally, in an effort to end the conversation, Judith texted, “I prefer to have these kinds of conversations in person.” 
Thinking Judith was offering to meet in person to discuss the matter, Suzie responded, “Me, too! What time do you want to meet?” 
Being indirect led to a misunderstanding and now Judith might feel awkward about how to respond to Suzie. 

A more direct response might have been, “I’d like to pause texting and talk about this in person tomorrow.”

Hobart and Rutherford have worked together managing an IT services company for many years. In their strategic planning session, Rutherford suggested they start expanding their services into data mining and analysis. Hobart really didn’t like that idea as none of their current staff was qualified for that kind of work, nor did they have room in the budget for hiring or training of that level. His response was, “Maybe we could try focusing on integrated cybersecurity instead.” 

A clearer response might have been, “I’m concerned we don’t currently have the staff or budget to support those services.”

George and Betty have been married almost five years now. They both have full time jobs away from the home and hobbies that keep them very busy. One of the biggest issues in their relationship is the division of household responsibilities. One oddly uneventful Saturday, they were sitting on the back porch, drinking tea and just talking about their lives. Betty dropped the comment, “Man, the grass is getting really long,” hoping George would catch on and offer to cut it. Instead, he responded, “Meh. It’s not too bad.” 

A direct request might have sounded like, “Could you mow the lawn sometime this weekend?” or even, “Do you think we have space in the budget to hire a yard service?”

Conclusion

Direct communication doesn’t have to be harsh or scary. It doesn’t have to be threatening. It does take practice and humility to be both direct and kind at the same time. Very few people master this skill. Even small shifts toward clarity and kindness can change the one of our conversations. Where might being a little more direct and gentle make a difference this week?